Day of Atonement

Yesterday was Yom Kippur, the "Day of Atonement," wherein Jews are supposed to repent for their sins and ask for forgiveness. I tried that last year; it didn't work. In fact, I'm pretty sure it backfired. Last year, I atoned for every single one of my sins, in writing no less, and the next 11 months proceeded to be even crappier. So fuck that.

Yesterday I went apartment hunting with my non-Jewish realtor. All of the sudden he looks at me and says in his adorable, gay, southern voice, "Wait a second, honey, aren't you supposed to be atoning for your sins?"

"I am," I cried. "I am atoning for the fact that I abandoned my dog for the wrong apartment, I'm begging forgiveness for doing so and I'm trying to rectify the situation!!"

What more could God ask for?